FOOD FOR ALL!!! open letter to Reese and YOU...

Dear Reese and consumers,

Damn, eating can be cumbersome!!! If you agree, then read on. I'm so sick of having
to make so many choices just to survive! I mean, I already made the choice TO survive.
Why should HOW be such a chore?

If this is you:

YOU: "Hi. I have decided that I would like to live for a while..."
GROCER: "Oh, that's soooo great for you! Eating is a good survival technique!"
YOU: "Really?! Oh, good! I'll do that then! Hand me a food!"
GROCER: "Okle dokle! Which food would you like?..."
YOU: "DEAR GOD!!! THERE'S MORE THAN ONE?!?... I CAN'T TAKE IT!!AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!"

.... Then I have a solution for you! That's right! No more choosing needed! Let's put those horrible days behind us, shall we?

I sometimes walk down aisles at the grocery store that I have no interest in. One such
aisle contains pet products. Rawhide chews, squeak toys, leashes... Hmmmm, I suddenly have an interest in all of those things. Let me rephrase:

I sometimes walk down useful aisles of intrigue and whimsy, and not take much notice
in what people feed their pets. They have a wonderful system for most pets that I never gave much thought. ONE FOOD! ALMOST ALWAYS! HOW SIMPLE IS THAT? VERY!!!
I wanted to adopt this method for humans as well.

Most pets are fed one bag or box of roundish food balls that seem to have 2 main colors, and that's what the pet eats pretty much it's whole life!
I LOVE THIS!!! But there is problem... OR IS THERE?!

I thought to myself, "If only we had a bag or box of people food balls that have two main colors and we can just fill our bowls with until we eat them all, then buy more
of that same food. We could simplify our whole lives!"

Then, I passed such a food. I can't believe it was all so easy! WE ALREADY HAVE IT!
It's Reese Puffs!!! Holy shit! They should have marketed this better!








Naturally, I can't let them just have this product out there. I've taken it upon myself to help:

"Reese Puffs. Why choose, when you could just live?... : )"

"Does decision making suck the joy out of life? Forget about it! Reese Puffs."

"Reese Puffs. Because you've got a lot of living to do!"

"Reese Puffs. Pro-Life!"

*Reese is welcome to email me at bewbzy@gmail.com to send me money to use my slogans. You're welcome.

-bewbzy-

Oh to the bee... an open letter.

Dear Oral B,

Before I tell you that I have a wonderful idea for you, ... aw crap!

OK, you found me out, you magnificent bastards! I have a wonderful idea for you!

Hear me out... WITH YOUR CLEAN EARS!!!

Allow me to clarify:

There I was, just like you, drinking a beer before bedtime, when I realized that
I should brush my teeth. Believing in myself, as most of my best ideas come to me while
drinking, (just staying up til it's time for work, unleashing a cage of pidgeons in City Hall, etc.)I grab my brush and head for the room of doom. (I refuse to keep my toothbrush in the bathroom)

While applying the paste to my brush, I notice the words "Oral B" on the side.
This is not surprising to me, as this is not new to me. I've read these words on
toothbrushes all my life. I have also noticed, for not quite as long that I can recall,
the letters "O.B." on boxes of tampons.... Not MY tampons, smartie pants! YOURS!
Oral B! I had never made the connection before, but now that I have, I'm not sure I
understand how tampons work. I didn't think they were applied orally... Sounds tricky.

But, peep this! (<--i'm bringing that back!)My wonderful idea:

You branch out. That's right! Corner the market! Diversify! How?!? With my five point agenda!:

1. Begin making nosehair-trimmers. You already cover part of the face. Why stop at the mouth?

2. Cotton swabs. Didn't hear me? CLEAN OUT YOUR EARS! WITH YOUR NEW PRODUCT!

3. Butt-Plugs. I am now assuming your familiarity and not detailing this one...

4. Change the company name to "Orifice B", this way you keep the O.B. logo you've had for years, and nobody's the wiser. Some people don't actually know what "KFC" stands for.

5. Slogans:
"Orifice B. Our agenda? To cover all your five points!"
"Orifice B. When there's an opening, we've got someone for the job!"
"Orifice B. Cuz you've got a hole lot to take care of..."

Your welcome. Please contact me here for information on where to send me money for this
wonderful idea.

-Bewbzy-

implanting ideas...

(inspired by a conversation i had with zmd and Eddie):

I have decided that I'd like to convert my body into a flash-cooling system
so i can hold up to 40 cold bottled beer at any given time in
my skin. Like pouches, but colder.
Also, if I ever walk into a metal pole or something, and one of
the bottles break, I'll need holes in each of my pouches that will
drain the spill and send the broken glass to the grinder that I
will also need implanted to break the glass down to a less harmful
powder which will then be saved and dispensed from my kneecaps in
the winter time to "salt" my way across icy areas.
Not bad. I hadn't considered eating. Good survival technique.
I think instead of a crane that shovels food into my gullet, I'll have a meat
grinder that hangs down from my forehead. That way, my food will
just dangle in front of my mouth so i can sup it up. And I'd like
retractable toothpicks implanted in my tongue, in case I have to
impress a girl by piercing my lip or cheek. (I've seen the men you go after.)

I just realized something else to surgically install in me.
I need a fold-down stencil machine to make custom stencils at will
to flip down from my back and lay on the ground so girls can write their names in the snow. There ya go, ladies. I'm thinkin' of you.
Oooh! And why not gumball launching hips?!?
I will also need one of those car crushers in my skull... No, silly.
Just a little one, and it would be magnetized so I can crush
cans on my forehead without using my hands. AW, YEAH!

Contact me if you'd like to fund this project.

-bewbzy-

99 problems and a pigeon ain't one...

Once in a while, someone will ask me why I've been single for so long. Like it's shocking for anyone to not have a significant other. But I thought I'd answer the question today, as it is the most recent time I have been asked.

Partly, I am jaded from relationship attempts that went sour and have a low self esteem. Neither of these will help in a quest to be betrothed. But due to the sheer length of my singledom, there are also other factors.

I am not good with women. And this is not a self-pity thing either. I just don't understand the opposite sex!
Not that anyone does, but I tend to try to, which can lead to further frustrations.

I also have no clue how to date. I will be the first to admit it. I have been single for a long time now, and would not know the first thing about anything if I were to attempt to get back "out there". I'm not even sure if I could flirt properly.
And what do you do on dates? I don't know anymore. I'm not sure I ever knew.

Even if I did flirt with a girl to some success, and manage to get a date with her, I'd worry about it all going wrong. I'm not pessimistic. I'm POSITIVE it would go wrong! (see what i did there?...)

I don't see the glass as half empty or half full. I see it as breakable. And if I'm on a date, I'll be nervous, and that's what's bound to happen.
I'll accidentally break something, or do some other thing to mess it up. I'd probably say all the wrong things, like "please" and "thank you". ... She'd be all "... uh, that's OK. I guess I don't NEED to know your last name..."

Things might be fine for a while, then I'd mess it up again when i flirt with the server. I'll notice her getting awkward, and have to explain that I'm just "doing it for good service. It's not that I'm ATTRACTED to Trevor, I just think we have a lot in common..."

....If my date's not over by then, I'm sure I'll lose something under the table and look like an ass down on my hands and knees, the whole restaurant watching. Then she'll feel weird, but join me in searching.

"..so, what does it look like?"
"I don't know. I guess like the rest of my teeth, just not in my mouth..."
"Gah..."

...Or, it could be worse, I suppose. She could be somehow into me, and then I find out she's the type who likes to feed the pigeons in the park and shit. Then I'll spend the whole dinner wondering what the fuck is wrong with her.

I don't know why any of us are here, but pigeons have a terrible existence. Have you ever actually watched them for any length of time? They walk the same 5 meters, seemingly aimless, picking up ANYTHING on the ground that fits in their mouths, just in case it MIGHT BE food. If it's not, they shake it around and chew it for a bit to be sure, then spit it out. Then pick up the next thing. Pathetic.

"Hmmmm, what's that? Might be food... *glomp* .....*chew*
GEHCKFLX!!! pfffffttttt! ptptptp!!! That's a cigarette butt!!!! pfft! I was hoping that was food!..."

Sometimes they pick up the same one a few times.

"Hmmmm, gah, damn! It's still not... I coulda SWORE this time..."

Then I'd rationalize our getting along by my eating habits being slightly better than a pigeon's... Or I'd start tasting the coasters and candles, just in case.

I haven't lost all hope though. Not everything you pick up is a cigarette butt.

Love,

-steveness in seattle-

signs, signs, everywhere signs...

Signs are fun sometimes! Here are a few examples for today:

My 5 year old son and I had a conversation about the tow away zone sign we saw on
the way to my place after rescuing my laundry today. We both agree that it would be
fun to curl the sign around to meet itself so it would look like the car is towing
itself somehow. In a Pac-Man world, we could do this!



When I see a deer crossing sign next to a crosswalk sign, like
the one with the one guy with an arm out and a leg up, I like to
think that the deer is chasing him, and that when it catches
him, it mauls him to death...




On a similar note, I like the crosswalk signs that have the
girl and the dude following behind her, because it looks like he's
going to steal that lady's purse!



I also like when the "don't walk" hand starts blinking at you when you're crossing
a street. I often imagine it saying "High five! High five! High five! High five!"



:)

-bewbzy-

the comma recession: aka comma comma comma comedian: dedicated to my brother.

The comma recession: aka comma comma comma comedian: dedicated to my brother.

OK, so here we are, in the year of our lord, 2010.
I don't know what gave me the right to use so many commas in that last sentence.
During this time of crisis, I should refrain, yet, I feel compelled to press on...
And I will. I will also tell you what the hell I'm talking about.

I found it! The answer to the age old question. No, not that question! The other one.
I figured out why news anchors talk the way that they do, and drawl on like they've aged
a year or two per second during the whole show. I now know, the secret, to why, they do that!
Did you catch what was wrong with that last sentence?... I'll give you time.....
......................................................................
................................................................
...............................................................
............................................................
Get it yet?... I'll tell you!... Eventually. I've got something here.

First, let's find out why there's a problem, then we'll identify the issue.

Let's have a look at our youth. Here's a sentence recently submitted to an internet forum by
a person under the age of 25:
"if i have one more rude obnoxious jerk asshole customer i'm going to lose it i swear to god I'm sick of it!!!"
-anonymous-
See what was wrong with that one? Yes! That's correct! The opposite of what was wrong with
my sentence from earlier!

I wrote mine in the style of a TV newscaster. Here is my reason:
This is part of an article on drug abuse that I was reading one evening (I'm not abusing drugs, btw. I'm drunk.):
"And he attacked what he called the 'artificial' separation of alcohol and tobacco from other, illegal, drugs."
-article-

So, what was wrong with that sentence is the same as what was wrong with mine. Overuse of commas.
The one from the under 25er had too little commas. This leads to a direct miscommunication of our
own same language people. How? It's now obvious to me, but in case I'm not clear enough, I would
like to pose an experiment. I'm going to write a couple random sentences in the styles of under 25 year old
non comma user, and over 35 news anchor, overcomma user. Please read them as follows:

Only pause reading when you see a comma. In fact, pause a little longer every time you do see a comma.
I'm sure you will notice the difference. Why not read them aloud to really site the difference?... Because
you'd be embarrassed if someone overheard you doing this, that's why! After all, you're at work, or in the library. Let's play:

under25: I'm going to eat go the store and then the mall do you want to come with me.

news: sometimes, when i lay, in bed at night, i think, of all the little things, that make me happy.

In conclusion, I think this explains the generation gap, as well as underlining what I think may be the reason
for a lot of miscommunication between our ages. If we could only find some middle ground, perhaps we'd all get
along better. Sadly, this is a recession. This is why only the older newscasters own most of the commas, forcing
the youth to go without, attempting to speak without the expensive punctuation of their predecessors.

What, are your, thoughts?

what are your thoughts?

Yup, those are not the same. I'm glad I'm between both those ages, or I'd never have unlocked this
amazing secret! Wow!

:)

-bewbzy-

An open letter to God...

(If you are my Mom, or easily offended for any reason, please don't read any further.)

An open letter to God:

Dear God,

What the fuck, man?!... Can I please have a list of all the girls you have NOT
slept with? I can't begin to tell you how much this irks me! When I fall in like with
a girl, and go through all the motions with her to get to a comfort zone enough that
we decide to take our relationship to the next level, and become intimate with each other,
I would love it to be a girl who you haven't RUINED! I don't know how many times I can
be with a girl who yells out YOUR name during sex!!! You are too much competition for me.
There is no way that I can be as good as God at sex, so please send me a list of all the
girls on this planet who haven't been FUCKED BY GOD'S DICK!!! I'm sick of this!
No man can live up to the expectations you have set in the bedroom. This is clear from
all the times this has happened to me, which is many! You can obviously have any girl
you want. Can you just save some for the rest of us?... And send me a list of those ones.
That's all I ask.
The next time I hear "YES, GOD!" while I'm trying to have sex, I may just lose it. And
some of them have the nerve to tell me that they aren't into you any more! What a load
of shit! Then why are they calling your name?!?... They obviously still have feelings for
you, and I just can't date a girl who can't get over you. So, please, just send the
fucking list so I can move on with my life.

-bewbzy-

no service charge for crack/names don't mean anything/funny or not?

If you are my Mom, or easily offended for other reasons, don't read any further!

No service charge for crack cocaine:

So, from what I hear on the street, cocaine is a rather
expensive habit. Good enough reason for me not to
get hooked on it. Then there's crack. Well, I'm not hooked
on that either, though the reason is different. I've met
people who are hooked on crack, and it's not a pretty
picture. Crack however, is really cheap. This boggles
my mind. Crack is cooked cocaine... Don't we charge
for service any more? Shouldn't crack be more expensive?
I'm gonna go to McDonald's and buy a raw hamburger and
a cooked hamburger and see if they charge me more
for the uncooked one...


Names Don't Mean Shit:

I was walking uptown from the hideous, horrible mall one day, and
I passed a place called "Gentle Touch Pet Grooming", and thought
to myself "Well, I guess if I had a pet, and was too lazy to groom it,
that sounds like a safe place to go...." and continued walking.
A few minutes later, something came to me. Just because they
call it 'gentle', doesn't mean it is. Anyone could have a daughter,
and name her "Chastity", and she could still later become a
total slut. Names don't mean shit.

Inappropriate, or funny?:
This was a long time ago, but it still makes me smile.

I was once asked what I was doing tonight, and I said "My counterpart is picking me
up after work, and we might go to O'Leary's for a bit..."
one of my work pals here says, "Counterpart? That's not very nice."
I responded (in my whiniest Luke Skywalker voice), "Carbon scoring all over my droid."
And I got the most disgusted look you could imagine. Your opinion?...

-bewbzy-

typos, yawns, and me...

TYPOS:

I type almost perfectly every single time. However, I read
in typo's. So, when I look back at my last two sentences, to me,
it looks like it says "I tpey almost prefecatly evary sihgnle time.
hoeawever, I read it typeo's." But, as you can see, that's not the
case. *whistling*

THAT'S BECAUSE OF PHYSICS, CHUCK. YUP. PHYSICS. THERE YOU GO!:

I've heard may times that when you yawn, it's your body telling
you that you need more oxygen... I yawned yesterday, and thought,
"I don't recall any point in the day when I stopped breathing..."
I pondered this for a while, then thought, "Wait a second... If that's
true, then why do I yawn simply because someone else does? Did I see
them yawn and hold my breath subconsciously when it happened, and,
in turn, yawn as well, or was I just empathising?"

Example: "Oh, you poor bastard... I know how hard it can be
to be lacking in oxygen... Yeah, *yawn* I know how you feel, man.
it can be rough.

-bewbzy-

P.S. How many of you yawned after reading this?

P.P.S. I've made a conscious effort to breath excessively today, and I just
yawned again. Peeps be fecesious!

ME:
I'm stong enough for a man, but PH Balanced for a woman.

-bewbzy-

sambuca is THE DEVIL!!!

...A lot of people think tequila is the devil. These people could not be

more wrong. Tequila is evil. I won't argue that, but it is not the devil!

Sambuca is the devil. First, for managing to convince the world that the

blame should be placed on tequila. But here's the real scoop:

Your friend (yeah.... friend) invites you over for drinks. After a few beers,

he pulls out the Sambuca. You say "I'm not really into shots", and he says

"It tastes like black licorice!" so you do some shots. *rest of the night is hazy*

You wake up feeling bleh and swear off the stuff.

A while later, you go to your friend's place for drinks. Everything is fun

until he pulls out a bottle of Sambuca. You say "no way! I'm never touching

that shit again!" He says "Did you know you can light it on fire?" This is, of

course, cool, so you do some shots... You swear you're never touching

"that shit" again....

Some time later. Same deal.

"No fuckin' chance am I doing shots of that shit again!..."

"Did you know if you light it on fire, you can stick the shot glass to your hand?"...

"Really?... This I've got to try!" You light it, cup your hand over it, and sure

enough, it suctions to your skin and lifts off the coffee table... Cool!!! You

do some shots. You swear to never imbibe this shit ever again.

Next time.... Same scenario.

"Fuck you! No way!"

"Aw, c'mon!..."

"Uh, no!"

"Will you do some shots with me if Liam here lights a cigarette off of my flaming mouth?..."

We all know that anything that cool has to be done.

He puts a shot in his mouth, lights his mouth on fire, and Liam lights his cigarette off your friends mouth. You do some shots...

Sambuca is the devil.

-bewbzy-

OMG! MEAT TREE!!! FOR SCIENCE!!!

This is old news, and I am told it is a hoax, but I was just reminded of it, so here you go.
It was told to me that science had created a meat tree!
The "fruit" of this tree is said to look like an orange, but bear beef
on the inside. Hoax or not, this raises some questions:

1. Can you still get salmonella?

2. Can we use the sap from said tree as gravy?

3. How about a coconut-style beer tree?

4. Would it sting the same to get beef-squirt in the eye?

5. Is this meat in segment form, and if so, do I smell a
"Terry's Chocolate Beef" in the future?..."Christmas just
isn't the same this year, Mommy."

6. Is it wrong to think that if you're going to eat this meat,
you should also use the peels for clothing?

7. Have you ever had my tree-beef pizza? It's to die for.

8. Since it grows from a tree, can vegetarians eat it without
the guilt? Animals have been eating their young for years. Maybe
you think I'm the one who's weird. Would you like to discuss it
over a plate of corn-tree-beef and cabbage patch kid?

9. Will the bark be like jerky?

10. Should we be on the lookout for a mayonnaise river? It'll be out in
the sun all day too, and I'm sure it would be great on a beef-tree
sandwich. And would make for a great boating experience.....
OR WOULD IT?!?.....
"OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S THE GREAT WHITE SHARK!!! AND I THINK HE CAN
SMELL MY BASKET OF TREE-BEEF CASSEROLE!!!...."
That's enough of this subject for now.

-bewbzy-

Math has failed me...

Math has failed me...


I once dated a girl who is 6 years older than me. This means that
when she was 12 and I was 6, she was twice my age...
She isn't twice my age now... This seems wrong to me,
as I have aged the exact same amount of years as she
has since then... Math is stupid.

-bewbzy-

If I was rich...

If I were filthy rich:
I'd buy an entire city, and every street that has a hill,
I'd hire construction crews to tilt all the buildings so that
they are parallel to the ground so that everyone THINKS that
the ground is flatland and that walking is just REALLY difficult
on it's own.

... And maybe I'd buy a wii or something.

-bewbzy-

When life gives you lemons...

When life gives you lemons...

you make lemonade.

I don't.

I sell the lemons.

Read 'em and weep, buddy:

You:
10 free lemons - free
5 bags of sugar - $5.72
100 disposable cups - $3.49
Sell it at .05 per glass (inflation
plus labour and hours)
Profit: aprox. $5 - costs (5.72 + 3.49) = negative $4.21

Me:
10 free lemons - free
sell at .25
profit: aprox. $2.50

Sorry pal.

-bewbzy-

Old blogs, new blogs, even in my shoe blogs!

Ok, this is the first post, so why not start with a joke?

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Beethoven?....
Before, Beethoven touched the world by composing in D-minor.
Michael Jackson touched minors before decomposing.

There you have it. Btw, that joke is my own creation. Tell it, but don't claim you
made it up. You can be proved wrong!

So, this is to be the home of my odd thoughts, rants, and lunch. No, I will not
be serving lunch, but will likely mention lunch from time to time. Lunch.

Sometimes, my blog will be something like this:

Fake yawning is the best practical joke you can play on yourself.

They say that Eskimos have over 100 words for snow... So do we!
Blizzard
Snow
Flurries
Powder
Fluff
to name a few. Please stop telling me uninteresting things.

I have some old blogs from myspace that I'll be moving here periodically because
myspace makes you log in to read them. I don't dig that. You shouldn't have to, and
I'm not going to make you. Please visit me here once in a while, and I'll try to keep updating
when I can.

Pack a lunch!
-bewbzy-