implanting ideas...

(inspired by a conversation i had with zmd and Eddie):

I have decided that I'd like to convert my body into a flash-cooling system
so i can hold up to 40 cold bottled beer at any given time in
my skin. Like pouches, but colder.
Also, if I ever walk into a metal pole or something, and one of
the bottles break, I'll need holes in each of my pouches that will
drain the spill and send the broken glass to the grinder that I
will also need implanted to break the glass down to a less harmful
powder which will then be saved and dispensed from my kneecaps in
the winter time to "salt" my way across icy areas.
Not bad. I hadn't considered eating. Good survival technique.
I think instead of a crane that shovels food into my gullet, I'll have a meat
grinder that hangs down from my forehead. That way, my food will
just dangle in front of my mouth so i can sup it up. And I'd like
retractable toothpicks implanted in my tongue, in case I have to
impress a girl by piercing my lip or cheek. (I've seen the men you go after.)

I just realized something else to surgically install in me.
I need a fold-down stencil machine to make custom stencils at will
to flip down from my back and lay on the ground so girls can write their names in the snow. There ya go, ladies. I'm thinkin' of you.
Oooh! And why not gumball launching hips?!?
I will also need one of those car crushers in my skull... No, silly.
Just a little one, and it would be magnetized so I can crush
cans on my forehead without using my hands. AW, YEAH!

Contact me if you'd like to fund this project.

-bewbzy-

99 problems and a pigeon ain't one...

Once in a while, someone will ask me why I've been single for so long. Like it's shocking for anyone to not have a significant other. But I thought I'd answer the question today, as it is the most recent time I have been asked.

Partly, I am jaded from relationship attempts that went sour and have a low self esteem. Neither of these will help in a quest to be betrothed. But due to the sheer length of my singledom, there are also other factors.

I am not good with women. And this is not a self-pity thing either. I just don't understand the opposite sex!
Not that anyone does, but I tend to try to, which can lead to further frustrations.

I also have no clue how to date. I will be the first to admit it. I have been single for a long time now, and would not know the first thing about anything if I were to attempt to get back "out there". I'm not even sure if I could flirt properly.
And what do you do on dates? I don't know anymore. I'm not sure I ever knew.

Even if I did flirt with a girl to some success, and manage to get a date with her, I'd worry about it all going wrong. I'm not pessimistic. I'm POSITIVE it would go wrong! (see what i did there?...)

I don't see the glass as half empty or half full. I see it as breakable. And if I'm on a date, I'll be nervous, and that's what's bound to happen.
I'll accidentally break something, or do some other thing to mess it up. I'd probably say all the wrong things, like "please" and "thank you". ... She'd be all "... uh, that's OK. I guess I don't NEED to know your last name..."

Things might be fine for a while, then I'd mess it up again when i flirt with the server. I'll notice her getting awkward, and have to explain that I'm just "doing it for good service. It's not that I'm ATTRACTED to Trevor, I just think we have a lot in common..."

....If my date's not over by then, I'm sure I'll lose something under the table and look like an ass down on my hands and knees, the whole restaurant watching. Then she'll feel weird, but join me in searching.

"..so, what does it look like?"
"I don't know. I guess like the rest of my teeth, just not in my mouth..."
"Gah..."

...Or, it could be worse, I suppose. She could be somehow into me, and then I find out she's the type who likes to feed the pigeons in the park and shit. Then I'll spend the whole dinner wondering what the fuck is wrong with her.

I don't know why any of us are here, but pigeons have a terrible existence. Have you ever actually watched them for any length of time? They walk the same 5 meters, seemingly aimless, picking up ANYTHING on the ground that fits in their mouths, just in case it MIGHT BE food. If it's not, they shake it around and chew it for a bit to be sure, then spit it out. Then pick up the next thing. Pathetic.

"Hmmmm, what's that? Might be food... *glomp* .....*chew*
GEHCKFLX!!! pfffffttttt! ptptptp!!! That's a cigarette butt!!!! pfft! I was hoping that was food!..."

Sometimes they pick up the same one a few times.

"Hmmmm, gah, damn! It's still not... I coulda SWORE this time..."

Then I'd rationalize our getting along by my eating habits being slightly better than a pigeon's... Or I'd start tasting the coasters and candles, just in case.

I haven't lost all hope though. Not everything you pick up is a cigarette butt.

Love,

-steveness in seattle-

signs, signs, everywhere signs...

Signs are fun sometimes! Here are a few examples for today:

My 5 year old son and I had a conversation about the tow away zone sign we saw on
the way to my place after rescuing my laundry today. We both agree that it would be
fun to curl the sign around to meet itself so it would look like the car is towing
itself somehow. In a Pac-Man world, we could do this!



When I see a deer crossing sign next to a crosswalk sign, like
the one with the one guy with an arm out and a leg up, I like to
think that the deer is chasing him, and that when it catches
him, it mauls him to death...




On a similar note, I like the crosswalk signs that have the
girl and the dude following behind her, because it looks like he's
going to steal that lady's purse!



I also like when the "don't walk" hand starts blinking at you when you're crossing
a street. I often imagine it saying "High five! High five! High five! High five!"



:)

-bewbzy-