99 problems and a pigeon ain't one...

Once in a while, someone will ask me why I've been single for so long. Like it's shocking for anyone to not have a significant other. But I thought I'd answer the question today, as it is the most recent time I have been asked.

Partly, I am jaded from relationship attempts that went sour and have a low self esteem. Neither of these will help in a quest to be betrothed. But due to the sheer length of my singledom, there are also other factors.

I am not good with women. And this is not a self-pity thing either. I just don't understand the opposite sex!
Not that anyone does, but I tend to try to, which can lead to further frustrations.

I also have no clue how to date. I will be the first to admit it. I have been single for a long time now, and would not know the first thing about anything if I were to attempt to get back "out there". I'm not even sure if I could flirt properly.
And what do you do on dates? I don't know anymore. I'm not sure I ever knew.

Even if I did flirt with a girl to some success, and manage to get a date with her, I'd worry about it all going wrong. I'm not pessimistic. I'm POSITIVE it would go wrong! (see what i did there?...)

I don't see the glass as half empty or half full. I see it as breakable. And if I'm on a date, I'll be nervous, and that's what's bound to happen.
I'll accidentally break something, or do some other thing to mess it up. I'd probably say all the wrong things, like "please" and "thank you". ... She'd be all "... uh, that's OK. I guess I don't NEED to know your last name..."

Things might be fine for a while, then I'd mess it up again when i flirt with the server. I'll notice her getting awkward, and have to explain that I'm just "doing it for good service. It's not that I'm ATTRACTED to Trevor, I just think we have a lot in common..."

....If my date's not over by then, I'm sure I'll lose something under the table and look like an ass down on my hands and knees, the whole restaurant watching. Then she'll feel weird, but join me in searching.

"..so, what does it look like?"
"I don't know. I guess like the rest of my teeth, just not in my mouth..."
"Gah..."

...Or, it could be worse, I suppose. She could be somehow into me, and then I find out she's the type who likes to feed the pigeons in the park and shit. Then I'll spend the whole dinner wondering what the fuck is wrong with her.

I don't know why any of us are here, but pigeons have a terrible existence. Have you ever actually watched them for any length of time? They walk the same 5 meters, seemingly aimless, picking up ANYTHING on the ground that fits in their mouths, just in case it MIGHT BE food. If it's not, they shake it around and chew it for a bit to be sure, then spit it out. Then pick up the next thing. Pathetic.

"Hmmmm, what's that? Might be food... *glomp* .....*chew*
GEHCKFLX!!! pfffffttttt! ptptptp!!! That's a cigarette butt!!!! pfft! I was hoping that was food!..."

Sometimes they pick up the same one a few times.

"Hmmmm, gah, damn! It's still not... I coulda SWORE this time..."

Then I'd rationalize our getting along by my eating habits being slightly better than a pigeon's... Or I'd start tasting the coasters and candles, just in case.

I haven't lost all hope though. Not everything you pick up is a cigarette butt.

Love,

-steveness in seattle-